God, I hate Mormonism.

I’d like to thank language for the demise of my soul, thank you. It has been greatly misused in my life, mostly in a religious context but also with so-called family. For 18 years I was a shell of human being oppressed by the use of language.

I was raised in the Church of Latter-day Saints of Jesus Christ, more commonly known as Mormonism by innocent heathens. Language is used to create similar thoughts and feelings between members through studying the Book of Mormon and prophets talks. Joining the collective is one of the main reasons to convert.

The “Mormon language” is one in which you simply think good thoughts, believe in all the prophets have written in the Book of Moron, abstain from expressing negative emotions, and refrain from questioning religious leaders and texts. It is devoid of probing questions about the church’s past and use of money.

When I spoke I was told not use swear words, to express bad feelings, or hurtful thoughts. In this way, I was meant to communicate happiness all the time. To be unhappy is a sin; it means you are not thankful for what you have been given by the Lord. After being raised this way for such a long period, I feel as if I wasn’t given very much.

To keep my thoughts and language pure I was also told to keep away from R rated films, sexual television shows, crude song lyrics, and adult books. The Word of Wisdom, a “revelation” from the Book of Mormon, also says to avoid coffee, to eat meat sparingly, not to drink or smoke, and to use herbs medicinally. On top of this add the 10 commandments and there is the basic structure of living and thinking to reach Kolob.

Mormons argue that following all these commandments contribute to a healthy body and sound psyche. Granted, it is a healthy life-style, but after extracting myself from Mormon beliefs and society I realized how suppressed I had been. All that time I was deeply disappointed with myself because I could never be perfect. Regardless of how often I read the Book of Moron, prayed, and listened to religious figures I never felt closer to God.

There is a feeling called “a burning in the bosom” which supposedly confirms the truth of everything written in the Book of Moron. I never felt it, and therefore could never have a true testimony. Church leaders told me to rely on my parents feelings and to continue wasting hours of my time reading the Book of Moron.

Asides from being secretly depressed about my lack of burning bosom I felt evil when I wanted to do something “immoral”, like saying a crude word or lashing out at someone. Being nice is fabulous and all, but I feel dark and angry emotions as well. I see no need to repress these, why should I hide hatred or jealousy? Ignoring and smoothing over strong desires has led to me becoming an overly blunt, rebellious, and self-destructive being who couldn’t give a damn.

In my family life language has served a destructive force as well. The Mormon façade of happiness definitely played a role in this. There were many negative feelings between the parents, sister, and me. The parents never spoke about what bothered them, they kept it inside till something insignificant led to an emotional outburst that had nothing to do with the ulcer they were nursing. As children we emulated them, except our outbursts were more frequent and laughable.

The only social circle where language hasn’t oppressed my thoughts or feelings has been with my closest friends. We have never had to hide feelings of jealousy or annoyance. Generally we were all very supportive of each other with our verbal and body language, and tried to understand one another’s true emotions.

Although language itself has been an oppressive force when trying to communicate with my friends, as there are times when you feel the deep urge to share your feelings, but can’t find any words. Even if you can find the words, how do you know the other person understands? I can’t look into someone’s mind and see if they truly emulate or even care. What if half of the time you shared an important feeling or experience, the person listening is simply wondering when are you going to stop babbling about your petty misfortunes?

While language is an incredible tool for communication between human beings, it has left me feeling empty at times. It’s also led to a deep and abiding hatred of most religions’ texts and speeches. I can’t help but feel it’s better used as a means to control people than to express yourself, although that could just be my angry ex-Mormon speaking.